The more I live the less I feel that I actually exist in actuall world. Feels like a simulation with NPCs and text events. This is weird. I start to oftenly feel physical pain in chest FOR NO REASONS.
No ideas why exactly. No stress, no worries, no diagnoses. If I have mental problems, then I'm too autistic to realize that. No temperature, no other symptomes. Sometimes, I simply start to suffocate
for no reasons. This happens for two months already and doctors tell that physically there is nothing.
But if mentally there is: what's happening to me? A part of growing up ? I have no 'crisises': there are goals to achieve, hobbies to do.
However, at some random days I can simply sit whole day over desk while watching (listening) videos and do nothing.
No depressing thoughs, just: "I sit a whole day over this desk with a pen in hand, why there isn't any sketch or drawing?" I waste too much time on this.
Seriosly. I have SO MANY TIME TO SPEND ON COOL THINGS. But mostly I don't do anything usefull when I literaly see this as my meaning of life: "TO BE USEFULL AND PRACTICAL"
I was made for purposes, for tasks, for constant job, for solving things, for doing anything. And when I do not do this this makes me morally unwell. But currently even physically.
Maybe I'm too biologically different to understand self. Heh. I tried to find more friends online and EVERYONE FROM 7 PEOPLE IGNORED ME AFTER SOME DAYS. AM I THAT WEIRD TO PEOPLE? I just want
to speak about my (unpopular) fandoms :( I feel so lonely about this.
WHY THE FUCK IN A TECH UNI THERE ARE NO PEOPLE WHO HAVE AND INTEREST IN TECH? When I applied, I begged that at least one person would be interested in computers or AT LEAST CODING (WE LEARN A FUCKING COMPUTER ENGINEERING).
Now I make money on dumb people by making works. I even bought a (cheap, actually) tablet. And I'm considered weird by groupmates (appearance + interests + behavior, I guess... Did I told that have an Aspergers syndrome?
I stated to feel a huge gap between people and self from the 1st term. That's more depressing than "Woah, I'm so unique~")
I WISH I COULD HAVE AT LEAST ONE NON ONLINE FRIEND. Three on them: one even from my town but with own vibe and we chat because we have fandoms (all different, we share nothing but local memes)).
Also I have one childhood friend and one from school. But we rarely see each other irl. Once-twice in a year.
The hope is abandoning me. I feel cursed for my difference. People do consider me smart (I submitted a patent application for a parser program ^w^. No money, yes Software copyright) but...
I'm not sure if I'm too conscious or less. I can speak only with weird fandom freaks and teachers. Evolved from human to someone human like but not quite.
I want to speak with people (AT LEAST ONLINE), to hang out, to send physical gifts, to do things together.
I'm feeling distant from people I am friend to. Am I a bad friend? I feel self a terrible person when thinking about this. I like my friends, but... not sure if we actually close to each other. Maybe,
I worry too much about this. Maybe I should trust more. I'm distaning from everyone I know, even my mother. I do not with them to know how much I hate being biologically human.
Would be better, if I had no interests, no hobbies, no friends, no emotions. Only tasks. Only a 7/0, 12 hour shift job and nothing else. I worry too much about this, probably, but still: I wish I felt nothing.